Have you ever been so scared to do something that the more time you spend thinking about doing the thing you are afraid of, the more nerve-wracking and scary that thing seems?
Wow. That was really, um, general. Yea, I’ll go with general. That was a really general and hypothetical question. Nevertheless, I think this type of thing happens to me all the time. I also think that I hype up other types of events, not just scary ones (yea, I’m 27 years old and I can’t come up with a better adjective than ‘scary’). Anyway, if I think that something is going to be fun, I may hype up the situation way more than I should, and upon experiencing this something I may get let down in the process. More often than not, I expect more than what I actually get.
Patrick sometimes sees this as a bad thing. He subsequently has to listen to me complain about something not meeting my expectations or me freaking out over nothing.
Patrick: “So, when are you going to ask your boss for a raise? You’ve been there a decent amount of time and they pay you dirt.”
Me: “OOOOoo, Big Bang Theory is on…”
Patrick: “Seriously. You want to buy all this stuff and you always complain about money. Why don’t you do something about it?”
Me: “Honestly? Because I’m scared. I don’t like confrontation. And, what if they say ‘no’, then I’m screwed and I’ll feel embarrassed. It will be a huge blow to my ego. Plus, they’re mean. I don’t like the way they look at me…”
Patrick: “The way they look at you?”
Me: “Yeah. The way they look at me like I’m stupid. ‘Why would the stupid girl ask for a raise’, they are probably wondering. Anyway, I’m getting really anxious. Like, even now. OH MY GOD I’M SWEATING!”
Patrick: “Calm down…”
Me: “I… (huff, huff)….can’t….(huff, huff)….BREATHE! Holy shit, I just sweat through this sweatshirt! Do you see that?”
I point to my armpits.
Yea, it goes something like that. Normally I’m a very fluent individual. I can articulate certain topics effortlessly. If I am talking to a group of colleagues who I have filed under the “Equal to me” category, then I have no problem standing up and speaking to a group or a crowd. As soon as I have to speak with someone I have deemed “Smarter, Boss, Superior to me, etc.” I freak out! Really, even though there are people who will fit these categories, my feelings about how I deal with this type of situation and how I find myself interacting and behaving in this way are simply irrational. There, I said it. Self-diagnosis? Check.
Take for instance the weekend adventure Patrick and I will be going on this Sunday. We are going to Harry Potter Land (my term for Universal Studies – Islands of Adventure – Orlando)! To some, it may seem like the dumbest thing. I think it is the most glorious place on earth. The last time I was at Harry Potter Land I was with my mom, sister, and younger half-brother. We had been all around the other areas of the park and saved Harry Potter Land for close to last. When we stepped across from the Jurassic Park section (another equally fantastical place) and into Hogsmeade, I near about DIED! I was like a little kid, wide-eyed and gawking at every single thing!
Me: “Oh look! I want to get a wand! Mom, can we go pick out wands?” (Like I mentioned before…I’m 27 years old…)
Me: “BUTTERBEER! Let’s all take pictures with butterbeer mustaches!”
Then came the time to get in line and make our way (slowly) up to the Harry Potter ride. I tell you this: I CRIED on the ride. I was so happy. My eyes welled up with tears. I was bursting with pure joy!
I know now, as I type these words, this is undoubtedly blackmail material. I don’t care.
I love Harry Potter Land so much that I have talked about it non-stop since the day I got tickets a week ago. Patrick, on the other hand, couldn’t be more blasé about the situation. Yea sure, he likes theme parks. He screams like a little girl on those rides that hoist you to the top of a perilous looking tower and then drop you to within mere inches of the ground. The difference though, between me and him, he doesn’t over-analyze, overreact, or get so unnerved about something where he can’t breathe. No. He is so calm, cool, and collected about most things.
Anyway, I don’t really remember the point of this post. Maybe it’s that we should find more balance for the things that we might love or hate in our lives. Too much of anything is not really all that great, both mentally and physically. Too much love = obsession (and most people don’t find that at all cool, unless it’s Harry Potter Land you obsess over, then it’s a totally different story). Too much hate – well yea, you get the Boston Marathon Bombings or things to that effect. If we can’t find balance within ourselves, what then? Well, find a guy that screams like a girl on the Tower of Terror and call it a day.