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I have a few rants and some lessons learned to air. Let’s start with feeling incompetent. I doubt anyone likes to feel like an idiot, especially at work. So the other day, when I felt like an idiot I immediately blamed myself (like I always do). However, about 2.2 seconds after feelings of self-doubt and shame crept in I stopped blaming myself. No, I will not be made a fool of!

First off, when I am given a task to perform of course my initial reaction is to want to perform the task well and on-time. I don’t think anyone who likes keeping a job would argue otherwise. With this being said, I was given a task the other day. Said task was explained briefly without the chance for further questioning. When I did question some procedures (i.e. I was unsure of how to go about initial set up, some things were not loading properly, etc.), I was given an eye roll, a huff, and a general feeling of ill-will wished upon me by a certain someone, who now had to get up out of a seat to help me.

…Wait maybe I’m going about this all wrong. Let me just list the things wrong with the above situation:

1) I was not trained to perform the tasks given to me

2) I was never shown (not once) how to perform the tasks (notice that this is different than being trained to do the task. Even if I were shown once in an off-hand manner I would still remember the basic procedure)

3) I was scoffed at when I asked questions (that’s good, laugh at the relatively new person because they don’t know how to do something…I will rant about this, probably, in future posts. Ninety percent of what you learn about a job is actually learned while ON THE JOB, not in school, etc.)

4) My questions are not “stupid” because I, though my pride was severely bashed, asked again; directed toward a few other people this time. They were happy to help me and thereby remedying my woes.

5) It should not be that difficult or painful to want to help someone out, to get up out of the chair for 5 minutes, and quickly help someone out. I mean unless your leg was shattered in several different places and in order for you to get up out of a chair required you to transfer yourself to a wheelchair or crutches and then navigate a relatively short distance not quite made for such things. Then, that would be somewhat of a pain in the ass (but still not eye-roll worthy).

After all that, a colleague and I could not get the damn thing to work properly. It was neither my lack of experience with said task nor lack of help that caused failure…it was the system itself that kept crashing. It was like I was given an IMPOSSIBLE TASK which set me up for failure from the beginning. I hate feeling incompetent. I am slightly OCD (I have not been clinically diagnosed but then again why fix someone who likes organizing post-it notes according to size and color or hanging clothes by color/style/season worn/etc? I mean these things should make one’s life easier, right?), and this causes me to go slightly crazy when I can’t do something or I can’t do it well. I understand failure is unavoidable over the course of a lifetime, but purposefully catalyzing failure? That’s just wrong.

Well, instead of acting like a crazy person, I did the only sane thing I knew I could do at the moment. I wrote a post on my blog about two scary things. One of these put things in perspective for me. I mean, bad things happen throughout the world all the time, but all it takes is one scary thing to happen close to home and suddenly you realize that your asinine, bitch-ass [redacted] is blowing smoke…well, let them. At least you can wake up tomorrow and have it be a day full of new and wondrous things to think about and do, meanwhile they are the same asinine, bitch-asses they always were and always will be.

~Tarah

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